When there is intolerable and unresolved tension between you and your spouse and you have tried unsuccessfully to work things out, divorce is sometimes the only solution. Most often, at least one parent relocates and everyone is put in a changing situation. Not only will you and your spouse have a hard time coping with divorce, your children will as well.

The Dilemma

• Relationships with your children still need attention and nurturing.
• Many children can adjust to the divorce.
• Other children have a slow recovery because they have angry leftover feelings.
• Communication with your children is essential to helping them cope with the changes.

Tell the Truth

• Honesty is the best policy.
• Putting off discussion of impending divorce is not healthy.
• Children most likely know that something is happening.
• The truth is the best way for them to understand and deal with reality.
• If possible, have both mom and dad talk to the children together.
• Adjustment time is needed before separation occurs.
• Children’s questions should be answered honestly, without lies and unfulfilled promises.

Resolve Critical Issues

• Have any critical family issues resolved before telling your children about future separation and divorce.
• Discuss custody, visitation, and financial matters alone with your spouse before telling your children. These issues will undoubtedly be difficult to discuss.
• Answer your childrens questions about how they will be affected by the separation and divorce. This will help them to adjust better and more quickly.

Comfort Your Children

• Prepare yourself for denial, anger, neediness, and depression.
• Realize that these are normal stages for children to go through before they can accept separation and divorce.
• Understand that they will still feel sad and wish things were back to the way they were.
• Remember that you cannot make them feel any differently.
• Listen to them and accept their feelings.
• Let them know that they are not responsible for the divorce.

Keeping Your Childrens Interests in Mind

• Do not use children as negotiation tools or go-betweens.
• Keep the best interests of your children in mind.
• Do not criticize your child’s other parent in front of the child
• Stay involved in your children’s lives and keep in touch with them.
• Explain to your children that they will not be permanently separated from you and the other parent.
• Let them know that they can still see you.
• Seek support groups for your children.
• Have them see counselors at school in individual or group sessions.

Keeping Your Interests in Mind

• Stay healthy.
• Take care of yourself and your children.
• Spend quality alone time as well as time with your children.

Children and Remarriage

• Remarriage and blended families are often the result of a previous divorce.
• An adjustment period may take as long as five years before everyone is comfortable.
• Expect some difficulties along the way.
• Stepparents and stepchildren should be accepted as they are.
• Shared interests and skills can help build healthy relationships.
• Relationships will be able to grow on their own.
• Every family member should receive attention regularly.

Over time children can cope well with divorce. Do not expect tremendous results in their adjustment right away, and welcome any new questions or uncertainties they have. Contact your therapist or your childs guidance counselor for further assistance.