Building Trust in Marriage

Trust is one of the most important ingredients in the recipe for a good marriage. It not only takes time to build but also must constantly be tended. Once lost, it’s difficult to regain. When you build a foundation of trust in your marriage, you create a place of emotional safety for your spouse. Here’s how to nurture your most sacred relationship.

Constantly Monitor and Improve Communication Skills

Most people know how to talk, but few people know how to really listen. One time-tested tool to ensure you are paying attention is to mirror or repeat back what the other person says. For example, “It seems that you’re frustrated with me and would like me to do the dishes once and a while.”

Another factor of good communication skills is regular use of “I messages.” By starting a sentence with “you” for example, “You always put me down,” your spouse will likely become defensive. Rather, use an “I” message, “I feel bad when you criticize my cooking in front of the kids.”

Keep Comments Positive

Here’s a rule every boss knows, “Always give a complement before criticizing or making a suggestion.” Everyone has positive traits and everyone is caring and helpful at times. Start with the praise so your constructive comments will go down smoother.

Communicate Needs Clearly and Firmly

Just because spouses love each other doesn’t mean they can read each others minds. Many people think they shouldn’t have to voice their needs or are afraid of rejection so they clam up. Needs can only be met when they are clearly articulated and understood.

Don’t Allow Grievances to Fester

When grievances aren’t resolved, resentments grow larger until trust is lost. Learn how to problem solve and let go of arguments that can’t be resolved.

Keep Fights Fair

Fighting is a normal part of any marriage. However, partners in strong marriages know how to fight fair. Follow these rules to ensure a fair fight:

• Don’t resort to name calling or put-downs.
• Don’t bring up old, unresolved issues. Stick to the current issue.
• Don’t use hyperbole, such as you never or you always.
• Take a time-out if the fight gets out of hand. Agree beforehand on how to call it quits.
• Don’t start a fight when you are tired or don’t have the time to see it through, such as when you’re rushing off to work.

The key to building a strong relationship is trust. Trust takes a long time to build and a short time to destroy. Make trust a constant goal.