A healthy marriage is built upon a solid foundation of habits practiced by both partners. This foundation provides a strong base for the passage of marriage. Regardless of the age at which a couple marries, the establishment of consistent positive habits between partners is important for the creation of a marriage built on understanding, trust, and clear communication. A solid foundation enhances the enjoyment found in a strong partnership and provides the groundwork for conflict resolution and problem solving during tough times.

Clear communication skills

Clear communication occurs when both members of a marriage are able to talk about their needs and wants in a way that facilitates being understood and reflects understanding. The premise of clear communication is based on the use of a few simple rules while talking with your partner:

Plan the timing for communicating a message to your partner. Important information should be discussed at a time when both individuals are capable of committing to the discussion. Some partners find that their lives are so busy that this time never seems to exist. They try to pass on important information while running from one event to another. This lack of appropriate timing is likely to result in the omission of important details and to affect a partner’s response to the information. For example, imagine that Janine needs her husband, Larry, to pick up the children from school on Wednesday. Janine forgets to tell Larry this ahead of time and shares this need in a rush while trying to get to work on Tuesday. Larry has already committed to an important meeting and doesn’t want to reschedule it. Janine and Larry begin arguing over the importance of each other’s job. In this situation, the timing for the communication of Janine’s need was off. It was done at a time when neither partner could accurately verbalize his or her needs or reflect on the needs of the other partner. The frequent consequence for such rushed communication is stress and conflict. Many busy couples find it helpful to schedule discussion times into their daily and weekly lives. These planned times can range from fifteen minutes to several hours. They allow each partner to come prepared to communicate important needs using healthy communication skills.

Practice using “I” statements. These are statements that indicate that a partner is taking mature responsibility in owning his or her need, want, or perception of an event. They also convey politeness and respect in their expression of these needs. In the example previously discussed, it is helpful for Janine to express her needs to Larry in a way that is not blaming and that clearly communicates her point of view: “I have to work later tomorrow and need some assistance in figuring out how to get the kids picked up from school.” An opposing means of communication might cause Larry to feel that a problem was dumped on him: “I have to work late tomorrow and you’ll have to pick up the kids.” His response might then become defensive and blaming: “You always tell me this at the last minute. You don’t care about my job!” “I” statements facilitated the communication of respect and responsibility.

Practice listening skills. Successful listening skills encourage the partner to fully communicate the intended message. This means that time is allowed for each person to share his or her needs without interruption or interpretation. This is a difficult skill to practice because partners tend to believe that they know the other person so well that they can anticipate the person’s need in advance. Allowing time for the person to express him or herself fully permits for the exchange of accurate information and allows the person expressing the message to feel valued.

Include reflective questioning, when needed, as part of good listening skills. This is a process of asking the partner if the message heard is the one intended. For example, Larry might reflect back to Janine, “Am I understanding correctly that you have to work later tomorrow and won’t be able to pick up the kids?” Janine can then confirm or add details to the message that Larry heard: “Yes, I probably will have to work later but there is a chance that I won’t. I’ll know by noon today.” Reflective questions can promote the exchange of information that was left out of the original message. They also allow each partner to learn more about the other person by showing an interest in the details of what is being communicated.

Practice! Practice! Practice! Many couples that aren’t used to practicing these communication skills complain that they feel “fake” and awkward when they first start using them. It is important to recognize that this response is normal at first. With practice, these skills encourage each partner to “open up” in their communication. Couples who want to establish these methods as a normal part of their communication routine might find it helpful to first practice these skills with topics that don’t need immediate conflict resolution.

Organizational skills

Healthy marriages enlist organizational skills including:

• goal setting
• time management and
• boundary setting

Goal setting

Couples recognize that important goals don’t just occur. They get planned! This planning requires asking the following questions:

• What do we want to accomplish individually and as a couple in the next year, five years etc.?
• What resources do we need to achieve these goals?
• How can we break down our long-term goals into smaller, more achievable short-term goals?

Time management & boundary setting

Couples plan regular meeting times to discuss these goals and their progress toward meeting them. Good communication skills aid in the discussion about prioritizing goals. Partners recognize that not all goals can be accomplished simultaneously. Regular review of goals permits couples to reevaluate the direction of their lives and their priorities.

Time management skills can enhance a couple’s ability to work on their long-term goals and help ensure that day-to-day goals get accomplished. Helpful hints include:

• Plan regular family meetings to discuss important information and to schedule events.

• Keep a central calendar for all activities and events affecting the family and place the calendar in an area easily accessible by all family members. Both partners are responsible for verbally communicating new commitments and for writing them on the calendar.

• Schedule “date” nights. Healthy relationships depend on spending fun time together. Pick several dates in advance. Date nights do not have to involve spending money. Many couples enjoy the pleasure of walking, playing cards, or baking together. The point is to spend time together relaxing and allowing communication to occur.

• Set boundaries. Many couples find themselves committed to activities or causes which create more stress than pleasure. Make a list of all the roles you play in life and then prioritize their importance to you. Schedule the time these commitments take into your weekly and monthly calendar. You might find that you have to eliminate some things because of a lack of time to accomplish everything. You might also choose to remove certain activities from your routine because you have loss interest in them. In general, the roles that have a “have to” aspect to them will require much of your attention and energy. Try to put some limits on the amount of time spent performing these roles so that you will have time left to pursue leisure activities.

• Be creative in the way that you think about your time. Progress towards long-term goals can be made in relatively small time periods. For example, eating a meal together on a daily basis can help meet the goals of improving communication and increasing time spent together having fun. Remember that routines that at one time worked well may no longer fit into your time management plan. For example, spending every Friday evening at your parents’ home enjoying time together may not fit your time needs if children enter your family unit. Rather than entirely canceling these plans, think creatively about how you can still enjoy time with your parents and also have time to spend without the children as a couple. Perhaps your in-laws might enjoy babysitting every other Friday evening while you and your partner have a “date night”.

Financial management

Couples frequently find that the management of mutual finances is a stressful issue in their relationship. Again, using good communication skills and scheduling time to address this issue will be helpful. Couples usually benefit by discussing the meaning of money in their individual lives. Discussion questions might include:

• What did we learn from our parents about money? What were their values and practices with regard to money?
• Which of these monetary practices and values do we wish to adopt? Which do we want to avoid?
• What were our individual financial expectations when we married?
• As a couple, what values and goals do we share about finances? How do we differ?

Once the above questions have been discussed, partners can take the following steps:

• Identify short-term and long-term financial goals as a couple. List these goals on paper.
• Plan to meet these goals by breaking them down into individual steps. Stop and problem solve whenever either one of you disagrees on the step that needs to be taken to accomplish a goal. Resolve this issue before moving on. Be sure to show understanding for your partner’s values. Again, use healthy communication skills to reflect this respect.
• Identify financial goals that will enable you to prepare for an emergency such as termination from work or health problems. Seek assistance from professionals who can advise you in areas ofinsurance andfinancial planning.

Conflict Resolution

All partnerships encounter conflicts. Couples in healthy marriages take steps to resolve differences, which will help to strengthen their marriage. Conflicts are addressed using a problem-solving mode rather than a blaming mode. Couples view the conflict as an identity outside of their partnership. They avoid personalizing the conflict, viewing it as an obstacle to the accomplishment of their shared goals. Partners might utilize the following conflict resolution suggestions:

• Identify and define the problem. The problem can’t be “you” or “me”. It might be a need or want that you or I have. In the example described previously, neither Janine nor Larry was the problem. The problem was that their children needed to be picked up from school and no useful plan was in place. Removing the finger pointing allows couples to remain neutral about the conflict and to view it using a problem-solving mode.

• Examine the conflict from all directions. Communicate until every detail is understood without assuming that any undiscussed details are understood. Use reflective questions to make certain the problem is fully understood.

• Brainstorm to find possible solutions. Brainstorming is a time to list possible solutions. No potential solution should be discarded at this point. Moving too quickly to evaluate each possible solution can quickly lead back to a path of conflict and finger pointing. After each partner has communicated all possible solutions he can think of, it is time to move on to resolution of the problem.

• Prioritize the solutions found to be best for the identified problem. Select the top two solutions and break them down into action plans. For example, Janine and Larry might agree that they will try to make arrangements to have a family member pick up their kids, or Larry might reschedule his meeting. Discuss the steps that need to take place in order for each solution to occur. Pick the solution that best meets the current needs.

• Discuss what each person has learned from this conflict. Sometimes this can be done immediately. Sometimes it is better to wait until the subject is less intense. Talk about the reasons why the conflict occurred. Was it an isolated or a reoccurring conflict? If it is a reoccurring problem, use all the skills previously discussed to find ways to reduce the chances of it happening again. You may need to work further on improving communication, managing time more effectively, prioritizing values and goals, and setting boundaries.

The use of good communication skills, time management and conflict resolution skills will assist a couple in building and maintaining a healthy marriage. Good communication skills assist couples in expressing their needs and expectations in a clearly understandable manner and reduce the chance for misunderstanding. Couples who establish the habit of using “I” statements and reflective listening skills are likely to view conflicts as an opportunity for growth.

Couples in healthy relationships understand that their time and energy is not limitless. They spend time planning their days, weeks and years together. They understand the importance of connecting with one another and with their family, friends and community. Developing the skills addressed in this article takes time and discipline on the part of each partner. Over time however, these skills become a natural response and are the basis of a strong and healthy marriage.