Children respond to divorce differently depending on their age. Knowing how your child is likely to respond will help you understand better how to help them cope.

Infant/Toddler (0 to 3 Years)

Children at this age understand little, if anything, about the divorce itself. They are, however, aware if people in the family are upset.

To help your little one cope:

• Get help and support for yourself. This makes it easier for you to respond to your young child’s needs.
• Cuddle and care for your baby warmly and consistently. The parent-infant relationship continues to be central to your child’s sense of security and independence.
• Try to keep the home environment as stable and predictable as possible. For example, if you need day care, try to arrange something in your home.

Preschool Child (3 to 6 Years)

Preschoolers tend to be very self-centered with a strict sense of right and wrong. Therefore, when bad things happen, they usually blame themselves by assuming they misbehaved. Children this age often feel rejected when one parent moves out. The child may fear that they too will have to move out.

Children are likely to deny reality and wish intensely for parents to get back together. In addition, they commonly go back to baby behaviors such as thumbsucking, bedwetting, temper tantrums, or clinging to a blanket. They may be scared of the dark or separation from the parent.

Here are some suggestions that might help your preschooler cope:

1. Explain what is happening over and over again.

   Children this age are confused easily. In simple terms, explain where your child will live, with whom, and where the departing parent will live.

2. Reassure your child constantly.

   Emphasize that your child is not to blame for anything. Explain NOTHING he or she did caused the divorce, but it was Mommy and Daddy who did not get along. Provide extra hugs and kisses and tell your child that you and other adults will always be near to love and protect.

3. Talk to your child’s day-care provider about the divorce.

   She will better understand your child’s possible regressive behaviors and will likely offer extra support.

Younger School-Age Child (6 to 9 Years)

By the time children reach the early school-age years, they no longer cope by denying the reality of divorce. They are keenly aware of pain and sadness, and want parents to get back together.

They tend to view life in black and white, and are likely to blame one parent for the break-up. Boys, especially, mourn the loss of their fathers and express anger at their mothers. Both boys and girls have a hard time accepting any person their parents might decide to date.

Crying, daydreaming, and problems with friends and school are common divorce-related behaviors in children this age.

Here are some suggestions that might help your school-age child cope:

1. Discourage the idea that you and your ex-spouse will get back together.

   Avoid dinners, outings, or holiday celebrations with your ex-spouse. Tell children more than once that the divorce is final. Do not give false hopes that you and your ex-spouse will reunite.

2. Make sure your child has the phone number of the absent parent.

   Both parents should encourage easy access and frequent conversations with the noncustodial parent.

3. Do not allow your child to manipulate you into buying more possessions.

   School-age children are likely to feel deprived. Although they may intensify requests for playthings or other possessions, do not try to buy your child’s affection. Even children of divorce need to be told “No!”

4. Talk to your child’s teachers or school counselors about the divorce.

   Teachers will understand changes in your child’s behavior and can help prevent problems.

Older School-Age Child (9 to 12 Years)

Children this age usually react to divorce with anger. Children are likely to be very critical and resentful of their parents’ decision to divorce. Like younger school-age children, they may continue to blame one or both parents, and to ignore or dislike outwardly any person their parents decide to date. They may also resent extra household or child care responsibilities.

Children in this age range do not like to stand out among their peers and generally feel shamed or embarrassed by the divorce. They tend to have very practical concerns about day-to-day family life. They worry about family finances and whether they are a drain on their parents’ resources. They also empathize and worry about how their parents are coping. They may mask their true feelings through a display of bravado or a flurry of activity.

Here are some suggestions that might help your school-age child cope:

1. Discourage the idea that you and your ex-spouse will get back together.

   Avoid dinners, outings, or holiday celebrations with your ex-spouse. Tell children more than once that the divorce is final. Do not give false hopes that you and your ex-spouse will reunite.

2. Make sure your child has the phone number of the absent parent.

   Both parents should encourage easy access and frequent conversations with the noncustodial parent.

3. Do not allow your child to manipulate you into buying more possessions.

   School-age children are likely to feel deprived. Although they may intensify requests for toys or other possessions, do not try to buy your child’s affection. Even children of divorce need to be told “No!”

4. Talk to your child’s teachers or school counselors about the divorce.

   Teachers will understand changes in your child’s behavior and can help prevent problems.

More than one million children are affected by divorce each year. Your primary goal should be to minimize the emotional harm to these children. The main way to achieve this is to help the children maintain a close and secure relationship with both parents.

Tell your child about the separation or divorce before the actual departure of one parent. Preferably, both parents and all children should be present.

The following recommendations may be useful in helping your children cope.

1. Reassure your children that both parents love them.

   Make it clear that, although you are unhappy with each other and disagree about many things, the one subject you both completely agree on is how much you love your children. Demonstrate this love by spending time with your children. Preschoolers especially need lots of cuddling from both parents, but don’t start bad habits like letting your child sleep with you.

2. Keep constant as many aspects of your child’s world as you can.

   The fewer the changes, the better your child will cope with the crisis of divorce. Try to keep your child in the same home or neighborhood. If this is impossible, at least try to keep your child in the same school with the same teachers, friends, and teams, even if only temporarily. Reassure your child that although your standard of living will decrease somewhat, you will continue to have the basic necessities of living (that is, food, clothing, and shelter).

3. Reassure your child that the noncustodial parent will visit.

   Your child needs both parents. Young children are confused by divorce and fear that one parent may abandon them. Children need to know that they will have ongoing contact with both their father and their mother.

   Have a scheduled, predictable time for visiting. The custodial parent should strongly support the visiting schedule. One full day every 1 or 2 weeks is usually preferable to more frequent, brief (and rushed) visits. Try not to do too much in one day. If there is more than one child, all should spend equal time or the same time with the noncustodial parent to prevent feelings of favoritism. Your child will eagerly look forward to the visits, so the visiting parent must keep promises, be punctual, and remember birthdays and other special events. Both parents should work to make these visits pleasant. Allow your child to tell you he had a good time during the visit with your ex-spouse.

   Provide your children with the telephone number of the noncustodial parent and encourage them to call at regular intervals. If the noncustodial parent has moved to a distant city, telephone calls and letters become essential to the ongoing relationship.

4. If the noncustodial parent becomes uninvolved, find substitutes.

   Ask relatives or Big Brother or Big Sister volunteers to spend more time with your son or daughter. Explain to your child, “Your dad (or mom) is not capable right now of being available for you. He (she) is sorting out his (her) own problems. There’s not much we can do to change that.” Help your child talk about disappointment and the sense of loss. If your child is a teenager, writing and calling the absent parent may eventually reengage him or her.

5. Help your child talk about painful feelings.

   At the time of separation and divorce, many children become anxious, depressed, and angry. They are frequently on the brink of tears, sleep poorly, have stomachaches, or don’t do as well in school. To help your children get over these painful feelings, encourage them to talk about them and respond with understanding and support. A divorce discussion group at school can help children feel less isolated and ashamed.

   Your child needs ample time to grieve the loss of you and your spouse as a parental unit. Allow feelings to be expressed openly and answer your child’s questions honestly. When anger turns into disruptive behavior, limits must be imposed while you help your child express the anger.

6. Make sure that your children understand that they are not responsible for the divorce.

   Children often feel guilty, believing that they somehow caused the divorce. Your children need reassurance that they did not in any way cause the divorce.

7. Clarify that the divorce is final.

   Some children hold on to the hope that they can somehow reunite the parents, and they pretend that the separation is temporary. Making it clear to children that the divorce is final can help them mourn their loss and move on to a more realistic adjustment to the divorce.

8. Try to protect your child’s positive feelings about both parents.

   Try to mention the good points about the other parent. Don’t be overly honest about negative feelings you have toward your ex-spouse. (You need to unload these feelings with another adult, not your children). Devaluing or discrediting the other parent in your child’s presence can reduce your child’s personal self-esteem and create greater stress.

   Don’t ask your child to take sides. A child does not need to have a single loyalty to one parent. Your child should be able to love both of you, even though you don’t love each other.

9. Maintain normal discipline in both households.

   Children need consistent child-rearing practices. Overindulgence or too much leniency by either parent can make it more difficult for the other parent to get the child to behave. Constant competition for a child’s love through special privileges or gifts leads to a spoiled child. Reasonable ground rules regarding discipline should be enforced by both parents.

10. Don’t argue with your ex-spouse about your child in the child’s presence.

    Children are quite upset by seeing their parents fight. Most important, avoid any arguments regarding visiting, custody, or child support in your child’s presence.

11. Try to avoid custody disputes.

    Your child badly needs a sense of stability. Challenge custody only if the custodial parent is causing obvious harm or repeated distress to your child. False accusations of physical or sexual abuse cause great emotional anguish for the child. If possible, don’t split siblings unless they are adolescents and state a clear preference for living in different settings.

12. Books can provide reassurance and support.

    Your child can read about other children of divorce who feel sad and scared but yet ultimately emerge stronger. (See the reading list under “Recommended Reading.”)

Call Your Child’s Health Care Provider During Office Hours If:

• Your child has symptoms that interfere with schoolwork, eating, or sleeping for more than 2 weeks.
• You feel your child is depressed.
• Your child has any physical symptoms, due to the divorce, that last for more than 6 months.
• Your child continues to believe that the parents will come back together again, even though over a year has passed since the divorce.
• You feel the other parent is harming your child.
• Your child refuses visits with the noncustodial parent.

What can I expect to feel during a separation and divorce?

This beginning phase of deciding that a marriage will not work can be extremely painful for both partners. The situation has probably built up over a number of years. Both spouses may feel bitter, angry, and betrayed but at the same time unsure they want to leave the marriage. There is uncertainty and confusion.

It is important during this time not to force yourself to make a decision before you are ready. Talking with a trusted friend or counselor about the state of the marriage, either alone or as a couple, can be helpful in clarifying what you want to do.

The months before a separation can be difficult because you or your partner may be denying how bad the situation is. Divorce is a drastic and difficult step to take. You may feel guilty or ashamed because you feel you have failed. You may worry about what will happen with the children. You may feel a sense of grief over losing someone important and a way of life together.

More than anything, separation and divorce mean the death of a relationship and a way of life. As such, a divorce needs to be mourned just like any death. Sad feelings do not mean that the divorce is a mistake. Strong feelings to be talked out at this time include:

• sadness
• anger
• anxiety
• guilt
• betrayal
• embarrassment
• shame.

How does divorce affect children?

The effects of divorce on children vary widely. Try to stay friendly and cooperate with each other in raising the children. A bitter divorce and custody battle is very upsetting to children, who may feel that the divorce is their fault.

It is easy to be self-involved and forget how needy your children are during and after a divorce. Anger with your spouse is a natural reaction, but expressing it in front of the children is harmful to them.

What are the major emotional issues in forming a new life?

If you have not dated for years, you need to learn how to have a social life without your partner. You need to manage the loneliness of living without another adult.

If the divorce has come about because one of the spouses has a new relationship:

• the partner with the new relationship may have to deal with guilt and how to manage that new relationship
• the partner who was left for the new relationship has to deal with feelings of anger, jealousy, sadness, and rejection.

Self-esteem may need to be rebuilt after the sense of failure that can result from a divorce. Lack of trust in the opposite sex can be a problem for years.

In dating or forming new relationships, step-parenting issues can be difficult. Often children feel insecure and want their parents to themselves, or they have a fantasy that their biological parents will get back together. They may not want someone new to take on the role of a parent. Children need to feel that they have not been divorced, and they need continuing regular contact with both parents.

How can divorce be managed in a healthy way?

• Face your fears: of living alone, of taking care of yourself, of being responsible, of others disapproving, and of the unknown. Take new risks in spite of the fears.
• Ask for help: from friends, family, support groups, clergy, or professional counselors. Divorce is too much to face alone.
• Deal with guilt by becoming aware of it and controlling it, rather than allowing it to control you. Guilt may arise because one spouse may feel that he or she is hurting the other or the children. The person may feel that if he or she had been different, the marriage would have survived.
• Notice the anger underneath the guilt. Low self-esteem can make people feel guilt and a sense of failure rather than anger at a difficult situation or at the other person. If anger is there, feeling and acknowledging it can make you feel more empowered.
• Pay attention to the children’s needs:
  • Manage visits in a cooperative way.
  • Make sure the children know that the divorce is not their fault.
  • If possible, make sure they see both parents regularly and have their own space in each home.
  • Make it clear that the parents will not be getting back together.
  • Do not confide in children about relationships between adults but, at the same time, do not keep secrets about what is happening.
  • Make sure they know you love them.
  • Get counseling for them if they show signs of distress.
  • Inform school teachers or counselors that events in a child’s life are changing.
• Get professional help for yourself if you start to feel depressed or have trouble recovering your joy in life.