When you are in an intimate relationship, you should feel understood and accepted for who you are. You trust the other person and can open up completely to them. Intimacy can be intellectual, emotional, and physical.

An intimate relationship is one in which you:

• pay attention to your partner
• share ideas and thoughts
• share feelings with each other without fear
• try to understand why you and your partner behave as you do.

You can communicate in many ways:

• words (what you say and what you do not say in phone calls, in person, in writing)
• gestures (turning away from your partner, nodding your head, showing that you are listening)
• facial expressions (smiling, frowning, looking disgusted)
• touch (hugs, holding hands, sexual intimacy).

Research has shown that the quality of your relationship is directly related to the quality of your communication skills. This does not mean that you always sit around talking about your relationship. It means that you talk about things that really matter. It means that you are not afraid to express what you really think and feel and that your partner trusts you the same way.

Try using the methods below to strengthen your communication and your relationship.

Improve your self-image

Communication is greatly affected by your self-image. Your appearance, sense of accomplishment, education, profession, and health are all part of your self-image. If you have a poor image of yourself, you may be shy about expressing yourself. You may think your partner is critical of you, even when he or she is not.

Learn to overcome your insecurities, fears, and low self-esteem. A better self-image helps you and your partner to send and receive accurate and undistorted communication.

Practice active listening skills.

Listening is even more important than talking. Most of us are not good listeners. It is important for couples to learn to listen first and then to speak.

Express interest in what your partner is thinking and doing. Really try to understand how your partner feels. Do not assume that you already know.

Don’t depend on mind-reading.

Trying to read your partner’s mind, or expecting your partner to read yours, can backfire. Your partner may not do anything to provoke you, yet you may feel insulted.

For example, your partner tells you about someone’s expensive condo and recent promotion. You might think your partner is criticizing you for not making enough money or not getting a better job.

Sometimes it seems you can’t talk about anything without offending each other. So you stop talking to each other to avoid arguing and fighting. Then each partner is offended by the silence of the other and sees it as punishment. Ask questions and clarify what your partner really means.

Pride and stubbornness get in the way of honest communication. We often expect our partners to understand without having to say anything. Tell your partner about your feelings, needs, and desires. If you find yourself saying “He should know what I want,” or “I shouldn’t have to tell her,” your communication skills need work.

Learn how to talk about yourself.

You may not be sure how to say what you mean to get your partner to understand how you feel. Learn how to express your feelings. Use “I” language. For example, say “I feel…I need…I want….” This will help you to express yourself and let your partner know your emotional state in a less threatening manner.

Respect and support your partner.

When you respect each other, you avoid calling each other names and putting each other down. Respect means being courteous. Use “please,” “excuse me,” and “thank you” as freely with the person you love as you do with strangers.

Touch each other.

Touching is something that all human beings need. Touch can be sensual as well as sexual. Hold hands, snuggle on the couch while you watch TV, hug, kiss, take baths together, and give each other massages. Touching each other often also makes sexual intimacy more comfortable.

Make your partner a priority.

Notice what is important to your partner. Don’t assume that something that pleases you will please your partner. Ask questions about what makes your partner feel loved.

Don’t take each other for granted. Make unexpected phone calls, special dinners, flowers, and little gifts part of your relationship. The idea is to communicate that you are thinking of each other even when you aren’t together.

Share the big stuff and the little things.

Share the big, important issues such as dreams and fears. Tell each other the stories of your lives, sharing your understanding of how your past influences the present. Talk about the crazy things that happen day to day. Be willing to laugh at yourself. Concentrate on humor that does not make fun of others, but that allows you to laugh together.

Be genuine.

Make sure that you and your partner feel safe enough to be honest and open about your feelings and ideas. State what you really think and be willing to accept different views and feelings, even anger.

Try to phrase messages so they do not cause hurt or invite rejection. Be cautious about what you say and how you say it. Your goal is to communicate in order to create and maintain a positive, loving relationship.

Manage conflict.

A relationship will not be truly intimate unless each partner knows what the other one is thinking and feeling. This means bringing hurt feelings or differences of opinion out into the open, not “suffering in silence.” Speaking up, finding out what’s wrong, and then coming to a joint decision on what to do about it are signs of a healthy relationship.

Identify the real issue. Perhaps you think you are upset about a recent event, but it may cover up something bigger you are really concerned or angry about.

If you get into an argument, take the time to count to 20 when you are angry. This will help keep you from saying things that you don’t mean or that will escalate the argument. Be willing to give something to get something.

Improving communication skills can help turn a problem relationship into an intimate relationship that is satisfying for both of you.

Self-esteem describes how you think and feel about yourself and the degree of worth you attribute to yourself. If you like yourself and feel deserving of good things in life, you have high self-esteem. If you dislike yourself or put yourself down, you have low self-esteem.

High self-esteem is important because when you are confident you usually have better relationships with others and can accomplish more. High self-esteem helps you lead a fuller, more satisfying life. If you have good self-esteem, you are usually optimistic and expect others to like you. You are a better parent and are able to manage life’s struggles. In contrast, if you think poorly of yourself, you may distrust others and may be afraid to try doing things that could bring you success. People with low self-esteem may fall into destructive behavior and may get along poorly with friends and family.

How can I tell if I have good self-esteem?

If you agree with 5 or more of these statements, your self-esteem is good:

• I do not feel I must always please other people.
• I generally feel that I like myself.
• I speak up for myself and feel I have rights.
• I am happy most of the time.
• I feel that my struggles are normal ones and not my fault.
• I do not need to prove that I am better than others.
• I do not need constant validation or approval from others.
• I can make friends easily.
• I feel good about myself without praise from others.
• I feel pleased, rather than envious, when those I care about have success in life.

If you have low self-esteem, you:

• put yourself down or do not know how to respond when you get a compliment
• often feel guilty, even if you know something is not your fault
• apologize all the time for everything
• believe that you do not deserve things that others think you deserve
• do not feel like you are a good parent, spouse, or child
• have trouble setting limits or asserting yourself.

How can I increase my self-esteem when it is low?

You may have low self-esteem at certain points in your life and higher self-esteem when you have accomplished some of your goals, such as having a good marriage or doing well at a challenging job or at school. Struggling against low self-esteem is a common problem. It requires effort, particularly if poor self-esteem is a result of experience with childhood caretakers.

Ways to increase self-esteem include:

• Be assertive in work situations and at home. When you act as if you deserve something, you will tend to value yourself more.
• Write positive statements about yourself on cards, such as “I am a kind and caring person.” Look at the cards several times a day no matter how you feel. This can remind you of the goals you have regarding your self-esteem.
• If something goes wrong, be aware of when you are inappropriately blaming yourself. If you are responsible for a mistake, accept the responsibility, repair the error, and move on. You can make mistakes and still be a good person.
• Commit regular time in your life to helping others. When you help others, their response can help you feel good about yourself. It is easier to have better self-esteem when you are caring and loving, if that is one of your goals for yourself.
• Become more aware of negative self-statements in your mind, for instance saying to yourself, “I did that badly.” Counter the negative statements with positive ones. Replace criticism with praise. Learn to be your own best fan.
• Talk with others about the sources of low self-esteem in your childhood. An accepting and trusted friend or a therapist can help you understand experiences that were not your fault.
• Take good care of your body. Eat well, be well groomed, and get enough sleep and exercise. If you feel well physically, you will feel better emotionally.

¿Qué es la autoestima?

La autoestima describe lo que las personas piensan y sienten sobre ellas mismas, cómo se ven, el valor que se atribuyen a sí mismas. Si alguien se aprecia sí mismo y siente que merece las cosas buenas que le ofrece la vida, se dice que tiene una autoestima alta. Si alguien no se quiere a sí mismo o se menosprecia, se dice que tiene una autoestima baja.

Es importante tener una autoestima alta porque las personas con confianza en sí mismas en general se relacionan mejor con los demás, pueden ser más productivas y desarrollan vidas más plenas y satisfactorias. Las personas con autoestima alta en general son optimistas y esperan que los demás lo aprecien y le den la bienvenida. Son mejores padres y pueden superar más fácilmente los momentos difíciles de la vida. Por contraste, aquellos que tienen una mala opinión de sí mismos pueden desconfiar de los demás y tener miedo de probar aquellas cosas que lo puedan convertir en una persona exitosa. Las personas con baja autoestima son más propensas a comportarse en forma destructiva y se pueden llevar mal con sus amigos, con sus padres o sus hijos.

¿Cómo puedo saber si mi autoestima es alta?

Si usted está de acuerdo con 5 o más de las siguientes afirmaciones, su autoestima es buena:

• No siento que siempre tengo que complacer a los demás.
• En general me quiero a mí mismo.
• Doy a conocer mi opinión y siento que tengo derechos.
• La mayor parte del tiempo estoy contento.
• Siento que mis problemas son normales y no son culpa mía.
• No necesito demostrar que soy mejor que los demás.
• No necesito validación o aprobación constante de los demás.
• Me resulta fácil hacer amigos.
• Me siento bien conmigo mismo sin necesidad de que los demás me alaben.
• Me siento contento, en vez de envidioso, cuando aquellas personas que están cerca de mí tienen éxito en la vida.

Si tiene autoestima baja:

• se no sabe responder cuando consigue un elogio.
• se siente a menudo culpable, incluso si sabe que algo no es su avería.
• se disculpa todo el tiempo para todo.
• cree que no merece las cosas que otros piensan que merece.
• no se siente como es un buen padre, esposo, o niño.
• tiene apuro el fijar de límites o el afirmarse.

¿Cómo puedo aumentar mi autoestima cuando está baja?

Algunas personas tienen problemas de autoestima en ciertos momentos de la vida y en otros, cuando han logrado alguno de sus objetivos, como tener un buen matrimonio, un buen trabajo o buenas notas en la escuela, su autoestima es alta. La lucha para realzar su autoestima es un problema común. Requiere esfuerzo, sobre todo si la baja autoestima se debe a una mala experiencia con las personas que lo cuidaron en la niñez.

Para poder aumentar su autoestima, pruebe:

• Dar su opinión en el trabajo y en hogar. Cuando usted actúa como si se merece algo, tendrá tendencia a valorarse más.
• Escriba tarjetas con declaraciones afirmativas y positivas para describirse a sí mismo (como por ejemplo, “soy una persona sensible y gentil”). Consulte las tarjetas varias veces por día independientemente de cómo se sienta. Esto puede recordarle cuáles son sus objetivos para reforzar su autoestima.
• Si algo no le sale bien, sepa cuándo se está echando la culpa a sí mismo sin justificación. Si usted es responsable por un error, acepte su responsabilidad por el mismo, repare el error y continúe con su vida. Usted puede cometer errores sin dejar de ser una buena persona.
• Reserve parte de su tiempo para ayudar a los demás. Cuando usted ayuda a los demás, su agradecimiento le ayudará a sentirse mejor acerca de sí mismo. Es más fácil aumentar su autoestima cuando está dando amor, si ése es uno de sus objetivos.
• Tome conciencia de los pronunciamientos negativos que usted se atribuye mentalmente, por ejemplo cuando se dice a sí mismo “eso lo hice mal.” Contrarreste los pronunciamientos negativos con otros positivos. Reemplace la crítica con la alabanza. Sepa cómo ser su “mejor admirador.”
• Hable con los demás sobre los orígenes de su baja autoestima en su niñez. Un amigo sensible y de confianza o un terapeuta le pueden ayudar a comprender las experiencias negativas que tuvo en el pasado y que no fueron culpa suya. Reemplace la crítica con la alabanza. Sepa cómo ser su “mejor admirador.”
• Cuídese bien el cuerpo. Coma bien, cuide su apariencia, duerma lo suficiente y ejercítese con regularidad. Si se siente bien físicamente se sentirá mejor emocionalmente.