Children respond to divorce differently depending on their age. Knowing how your child is likely to respond will help you understand better how to help them cope.

Infant/Toddler (0 to 3 Years)

Children at this age understand little, if anything, about the divorce itself. They are, however, aware if people in the family are upset.

To help your little one cope:

• Get help and support for yourself. This makes it easier for you to respond to your young child’s needs.
• Cuddle and care for your baby warmly and consistently. The parent-infant relationship continues to be central to your child’s sense of security and independence.
• Try to keep the home environment as stable and predictable as possible. For example, if you need day care, try to arrange something in your home.

Preschool Child (3 to 6 Years)

Preschoolers tend to be very self-centered with a strict sense of right and wrong. Therefore, when bad things happen, they usually blame themselves by assuming they misbehaved. Children this age often feel rejected when one parent moves out. The child may fear that they too will have to move out.

Children are likely to deny reality and wish intensely for parents to get back together. In addition, they commonly go back to baby behaviors such as thumbsucking, bedwetting, temper tantrums, or clinging to a blanket. They may be scared of the dark or separation from the parent.

Here are some suggestions that might help your preschooler cope:

1. Explain what is happening over and over again.

   Children this age are confused easily. In simple terms, explain where your child will live, with whom, and where the departing parent will live.

2. Reassure your child constantly.

   Emphasize that your child is not to blame for anything. Explain NOTHING he or she did caused the divorce, but it was Mommy and Daddy who did not get along. Provide extra hugs and kisses and tell your child that you and other adults will always be near to love and protect.

3. Talk to your child’s day-care provider about the divorce.

   She will better understand your child’s possible regressive behaviors and will likely offer extra support.

Younger School-Age Child (6 to 9 Years)

By the time children reach the early school-age years, they no longer cope by denying the reality of divorce. They are keenly aware of pain and sadness, and want parents to get back together.

They tend to view life in black and white, and are likely to blame one parent for the break-up. Boys, especially, mourn the loss of their fathers and express anger at their mothers. Both boys and girls have a hard time accepting any person their parents might decide to date.

Crying, daydreaming, and problems with friends and school are common divorce-related behaviors in children this age.

Here are some suggestions that might help your school-age child cope:

1. Discourage the idea that you and your ex-spouse will get back together.

   Avoid dinners, outings, or holiday celebrations with your ex-spouse. Tell children more than once that the divorce is final. Do not give false hopes that you and your ex-spouse will reunite.

2. Make sure your child has the phone number of the absent parent.

   Both parents should encourage easy access and frequent conversations with the noncustodial parent.

3. Do not allow your child to manipulate you into buying more possessions.

   School-age children are likely to feel deprived. Although they may intensify requests for playthings or other possessions, do not try to buy your child’s affection. Even children of divorce need to be told “No!”

4. Talk to your child’s teachers or school counselors about the divorce.

   Teachers will understand changes in your child’s behavior and can help prevent problems.

Older School-Age Child (9 to 12 Years)

Children this age usually react to divorce with anger. Children are likely to be very critical and resentful of their parents’ decision to divorce. Like younger school-age children, they may continue to blame one or both parents, and to ignore or dislike outwardly any person their parents decide to date. They may also resent extra household or child care responsibilities.

Children in this age range do not like to stand out among their peers and generally feel shamed or embarrassed by the divorce. They tend to have very practical concerns about day-to-day family life. They worry about family finances and whether they are a drain on their parents’ resources. They also empathize and worry about how their parents are coping. They may mask their true feelings through a display of bravado or a flurry of activity.

Here are some suggestions that might help your school-age child cope:

1. Discourage the idea that you and your ex-spouse will get back together.

   Avoid dinners, outings, or holiday celebrations with your ex-spouse. Tell children more than once that the divorce is final. Do not give false hopes that you and your ex-spouse will reunite.

2. Make sure your child has the phone number of the absent parent.

   Both parents should encourage easy access and frequent conversations with the noncustodial parent.

3. Do not allow your child to manipulate you into buying more possessions.

   School-age children are likely to feel deprived. Although they may intensify requests for toys or other possessions, do not try to buy your child’s affection. Even children of divorce need to be told “No!”

4. Talk to your child’s teachers or school counselors about the divorce.

   Teachers will understand changes in your child’s behavior and can help prevent problems.

Self-esteem describes how you think and feel about yourself and the degree of worth you attribute to yourself. If you like yourself and feel deserving of good things in life, you have high self-esteem. If you dislike yourself or put yourself down, you have low self-esteem.

High self-esteem is important because when you are confident you usually have better relationships with others and can accomplish more. High self-esteem helps you lead a fuller, more satisfying life. If you have good self-esteem, you are usually optimistic and expect others to like you. You are a better parent and are able to manage life’s struggles. In contrast, if you think poorly of yourself, you may distrust others and may be afraid to try doing things that could bring you success. People with low self-esteem may fall into destructive behavior and may get along poorly with friends and family.

How can I tell if I have good self-esteem?

If you agree with 5 or more of these statements, your self-esteem is good:

• I do not feel I must always please other people.
• I generally feel that I like myself.
• I speak up for myself and feel I have rights.
• I am happy most of the time.
• I feel that my struggles are normal ones and not my fault.
• I do not need to prove that I am better than others.
• I do not need constant validation or approval from others.
• I can make friends easily.
• I feel good about myself without praise from others.
• I feel pleased, rather than envious, when those I care about have success in life.

If you have low self-esteem, you:

• put yourself down or do not know how to respond when you get a compliment
• often feel guilty, even if you know something is not your fault
• apologize all the time for everything
• believe that you do not deserve things that others think you deserve
• do not feel like you are a good parent, spouse, or child
• have trouble setting limits or asserting yourself.

How can I increase my self-esteem when it is low?

You may have low self-esteem at certain points in your life and higher self-esteem when you have accomplished some of your goals, such as having a good marriage or doing well at a challenging job or at school. Struggling against low self-esteem is a common problem. It requires effort, particularly if poor self-esteem is a result of experience with childhood caretakers.

Ways to increase self-esteem include:

• Be assertive in work situations and at home. When you act as if you deserve something, you will tend to value yourself more.
• Write positive statements about yourself on cards, such as “I am a kind and caring person.” Look at the cards several times a day no matter how you feel. This can remind you of the goals you have regarding your self-esteem.
• If something goes wrong, be aware of when you are inappropriately blaming yourself. If you are responsible for a mistake, accept the responsibility, repair the error, and move on. You can make mistakes and still be a good person.
• Commit regular time in your life to helping others. When you help others, their response can help you feel good about yourself. It is easier to have better self-esteem when you are caring and loving, if that is one of your goals for yourself.
• Become more aware of negative self-statements in your mind, for instance saying to yourself, “I did that badly.” Counter the negative statements with positive ones. Replace criticism with praise. Learn to be your own best fan.
• Talk with others about the sources of low self-esteem in your childhood. An accepting and trusted friend or a therapist can help you understand experiences that were not your fault.
• Take good care of your body. Eat well, be well groomed, and get enough sleep and exercise. If you feel well physically, you will feel better emotionally.

¿Qué es la autoestima?

La autoestima describe lo que las personas piensan y sienten sobre ellas mismas, cómo se ven, el valor que se atribuyen a sí mismas. Si alguien se aprecia sí mismo y siente que merece las cosas buenas que le ofrece la vida, se dice que tiene una autoestima alta. Si alguien no se quiere a sí mismo o se menosprecia, se dice que tiene una autoestima baja.

Es importante tener una autoestima alta porque las personas con confianza en sí mismas en general se relacionan mejor con los demás, pueden ser más productivas y desarrollan vidas más plenas y satisfactorias. Las personas con autoestima alta en general son optimistas y esperan que los demás lo aprecien y le den la bienvenida. Son mejores padres y pueden superar más fácilmente los momentos difíciles de la vida. Por contraste, aquellos que tienen una mala opinión de sí mismos pueden desconfiar de los demás y tener miedo de probar aquellas cosas que lo puedan convertir en una persona exitosa. Las personas con baja autoestima son más propensas a comportarse en forma destructiva y se pueden llevar mal con sus amigos, con sus padres o sus hijos.

¿Cómo puedo saber si mi autoestima es alta?

Si usted está de acuerdo con 5 o más de las siguientes afirmaciones, su autoestima es buena:

• No siento que siempre tengo que complacer a los demás.
• En general me quiero a mí mismo.
• Doy a conocer mi opinión y siento que tengo derechos.
• La mayor parte del tiempo estoy contento.
• Siento que mis problemas son normales y no son culpa mía.
• No necesito demostrar que soy mejor que los demás.
• No necesito validación o aprobación constante de los demás.
• Me resulta fácil hacer amigos.
• Me siento bien conmigo mismo sin necesidad de que los demás me alaben.
• Me siento contento, en vez de envidioso, cuando aquellas personas que están cerca de mí tienen éxito en la vida.

Si tiene autoestima baja:

• se no sabe responder cuando consigue un elogio.
• se siente a menudo culpable, incluso si sabe que algo no es su avería.
• se disculpa todo el tiempo para todo.
• cree que no merece las cosas que otros piensan que merece.
• no se siente como es un buen padre, esposo, o niño.
• tiene apuro el fijar de límites o el afirmarse.

¿Cómo puedo aumentar mi autoestima cuando está baja?

Algunas personas tienen problemas de autoestima en ciertos momentos de la vida y en otros, cuando han logrado alguno de sus objetivos, como tener un buen matrimonio, un buen trabajo o buenas notas en la escuela, su autoestima es alta. La lucha para realzar su autoestima es un problema común. Requiere esfuerzo, sobre todo si la baja autoestima se debe a una mala experiencia con las personas que lo cuidaron en la niñez.

Para poder aumentar su autoestima, pruebe:

• Dar su opinión en el trabajo y en hogar. Cuando usted actúa como si se merece algo, tendrá tendencia a valorarse más.
• Escriba tarjetas con declaraciones afirmativas y positivas para describirse a sí mismo (como por ejemplo, “soy una persona sensible y gentil”). Consulte las tarjetas varias veces por día independientemente de cómo se sienta. Esto puede recordarle cuáles son sus objetivos para reforzar su autoestima.
• Si algo no le sale bien, sepa cuándo se está echando la culpa a sí mismo sin justificación. Si usted es responsable por un error, acepte su responsabilidad por el mismo, repare el error y continúe con su vida. Usted puede cometer errores sin dejar de ser una buena persona.
• Reserve parte de su tiempo para ayudar a los demás. Cuando usted ayuda a los demás, su agradecimiento le ayudará a sentirse mejor acerca de sí mismo. Es más fácil aumentar su autoestima cuando está dando amor, si ése es uno de sus objetivos.
• Tome conciencia de los pronunciamientos negativos que usted se atribuye mentalmente, por ejemplo cuando se dice a sí mismo “eso lo hice mal.” Contrarreste los pronunciamientos negativos con otros positivos. Reemplace la crítica con la alabanza. Sepa cómo ser su “mejor admirador.”
• Hable con los demás sobre los orígenes de su baja autoestima en su niñez. Un amigo sensible y de confianza o un terapeuta le pueden ayudar a comprender las experiencias negativas que tuvo en el pasado y que no fueron culpa suya. Reemplace la crítica con la alabanza. Sepa cómo ser su “mejor admirador.”
• Cuídese bien el cuerpo. Coma bien, cuide su apariencia, duerma lo suficiente y ejercítese con regularidad. Si se siente bien físicamente se sentirá mejor emocionalmente.