You can’t tell homosexual that they can’t ask someone out at work because that would be discrimination, right? But then who is allowed to have work place relationships, heterosexuals or homosexuals? If a complaint of fraternization is made against a heterosexual couple, I doubt they can cry “discrimination”. Isn’t it easier for a homosexual couple to cry “discrimination”?

Sometimes one of you, acting alone, can make all the difference in creating a successful relationship.

Conflicts and periods of doubt can arise in even the strongest of relationships. Two people who attempt to create a relationship always bring their own issues, backgrounds, expectations, personalities, and inner difficulties into the interplay that occurs between them. It is not at all unusual that the two people might find themselves, at times, in a deadlock. They see no way to break the impasse and to recapture the spirit of good will that they once had and would like to have again. Each party’s personal conflicts come into play and stifle the communication, sharing and love that seems necessary to harmonious interaction. Rather than confronting our own part in the problem, we may resort to blaming our partner—”If only she (or he) would change, then we could be happy.”

While it is ideal for the two partners to agree mutually that there is a problem that needs to be confronted and to show an equal amount of motivation in solving the problem in relationship therapy, this goal is not always achievable. The reality of the situation is that one of the partners may not be ready to work on the problem—and the reason for this may be perfectly valid. For example, one partner may fear that working on the relationship could bring up other problems. Or one of the partners may feel inadequate in talking about relationship issues and may have fears of being attacked if he or she were to try relationship therapy (although this is, in reality, a highly unlikely event). Or perhaps the partner feels unable to make the changes, which have been called for in the past. Commonly, one of the partners just doesn’t see that there is a problem, and therefore fails to see his Whatever the reason, there are times when one partner is simply not ready to work mutually on the relationship. This is a fact which must be accepted. But it does not mean that the relationship is doomed. Rather than condemning our partner for his or her inability to work on the relationship, it is far more productive to show respect for our partner’s view and to take matters for bettering the relationship into our own hands. There is a great deal that one partner, acting alone, can do to create a relationship which is happier and more fulfilling for both parties.

Working alone on a relationship problem can mean that we have to take a look at our own issues and our contribution to the difficulties with our partner. While this challenge is not always easy, the payoff in terms of our own emotional wellness can be enormous, both for our own future personal happiness and for the success of our relationship. Working solo on a relationship may mean coming to terms with the anger we have fostered (perhaps for years), taking responsibility for our own happiness, breaking out of our old ways of seeing the world, changing our expectations about how we should live everyday, and accepting the good in our relationship as being good enough. It may mean letting go of some of our most entrenched behaviors. We may even find that letting go can bring us tremendous rewards that we never expected.

Think of a relationship as a system with two parts, which strives to achieve balance. It can be compared to a seesaw. When one of the partners makes a shift, the other partner has to make a comparable shift to maintain the balance. This often works negatively. For example, if Chris reminds Michael to take out the trash, Michael, feeling controlled, might back off and stop communicating. In turn, Chris then criticizes Michael even further for breaking off communication—and Michael retreats even further. A balance is achieved in this case with a pattern of blame and withdrawal. How can the balance shift in a more positive direction? Or her contribution to the difficulties.

Chris might decide to stop reminding Michael to take out the trash. In fact, Chris starts taking out the trash. Michael does not feel controlled in this case and has no need to break off communication. Showing appreciation to Chris for doing this chore, Michael starts taking out the trash. Both parties win in this case, and a positive balance is achieved in the relationship. (Of course, this could backfire on Chris, who may end up taking out the trash all the time. But at least the old pattern is broken, communication now has a chance to succeed, and Chris can assess whether it is more important to maintain the relationship with new ground rules, even though it is flawed and far from ideal, or to continue the old pattern of blame and withdrawal.)

Here are some ways that one party, working alone, can improve a relationship:

Take Care of Your Own Needs

We often look to our partner to provide for our needs, and this can be a big mistake. People, whether they are in a relationship or not, need to function in a whole and complete manner. The best relationships are generally those in which two healthy and fully functioning adults come together and enhance each other with love, support, trust and nurturance. They appreciate the gestures of love that they receive from their partner, but they would be able to live full and complete lives even if they were not in a relationship.

We sometimes think that the two people should give equally to the relationship in order to achieve a balance—but it may be more productive to see the balance in a different way. Think instead about achieving a balance within yourself, so that the question becomes one of deciding how much to give to the relationship and how much to give to yourself. There are some things that you may want and which you can provide for yourself. You see these things as non-negotiable.

For example, if your partner is always late for social events and you find this unacceptable, try going once alone—and the next time your partner will probably be ready on time. If your partner feels threatened by this, gets angry and starts an argument, try showing some empathy and decisiveness. Don’t participate in the argument. Simply say that you understand your partner’s feelings, but that this is something which is very important to you and you have decided to do it. It does not mean that you are rejecting or abandoning your partner, but it does mean that you are asserting yourself in a healthy way and taking care of your own needs. A simple act of assertiveness can often break a destructive pattern of mutual neediness.

Do the Exact Opposite of What You Have Been Doing

Each partner in a relationship plays a role. It is important to identify the role that each of you plays and then try to make a change. One way of accomplishing this is to identify your role and then do the exact opposite.

This takes courage, because of fear that abandoning our previous role will only make the problem worse. In truth, however, changing this role will compel your partner to make a change as well, a change, which may enhance the relationship. For example, Joan complains that Jeff plays golf all the time and doesn’t have time for her. Joan plays the role of the one who nags and Jeff plays the role of the one who rebels by playing golf.

If Joan were to change her role from nagging to supporting, Jeff might make a change from rebelling to cooperating. Joan could learn to play golf herself, ask Jeff about his day on the course, and buy him some golf-related gifts. She could also cultivate her own interests. Jeff, in turn, realizing that Joan is now doing the exact opposite of what she had been doing, will no longer feel that he has to rebel against her. Because she shows support for his interests, he will then reciprocate by showing more concern for her needs. People respond much more readily to support than to criticism. The old destructive pattern has now been broken and each partner is now free both to pursue their own needs and to give to the other.

Relax Your Definitions of Power Struggle

When we are involved in a relationship conflict we often resort to all-or-nothing thinking, and it is difficult to think outside of this box—”I am right and my partner is wrong.” The more you insist on your point of view, the more your partner defends his or her position. The two opposing ways of thinking become entrenched. It is helpful to defuse the situation by trying to develop empathy for your partner’s point of view and by relaxing the sense of urgency you have about your own views. The following thoughts can help to increase the flexibility of your thinking: “My partner is just being herself. She means no harm. She’s trying to do her best. I need to appreciate her just the way she is. I need to stop trying to change her or to convince her that I am right.” When you try to get your partner to see things the way you do, you are actually searching for love and closeness.

You want complete support, a partner who can affirm your way of thinking. Understand, though, that this is exactly what your partner is searching for too.

Try to empathize with your partner’s view, and this can open the door to the closeness you want. You may feel an urgency or anxiety about asserting your own view. You don’t have to abandon your views, but you can work on the anxiety you feel about affirming your views. It helps to take a live-and-let-live approach to your struggle. Relax—and trust that things will work out well. And they often do.

Ask Your Partner to Help You Solve Your Problem

Rather than blaming your partner and creating an air of defensiveness, try reframing the problem. Make it clear that you are the one having the difficulty, and ask for your partner’s help in solving your problem. For example, instead of blaming your partner for spending too much money, it might be more helpful to find a good time to have a talk about how you feel very vulnerable financially—and then enlist your partner’s support in finding ways for you to feel more financially secure. You will find that taking ownership of the problem yourself can bring you much more support and closeness within the relationship. You can help create the conditions where your partner has an opportunity to rise to the occasion rather than feel blamed because your needs are not being met.

Working alone on your relationship means working on yourself. By making a shift in how you define your own sense of self, thoughts and feelings, you can help create the conditions which bring your relationship into a state of mutual harmony, support and love. A trained professional therapist can help you identify and modify patterns in the way you approach your relationship. The rewards can be immeasurable—for both you and your partner.

Is it Fair that I Have to do All the Work and the Relationship?

No, it is not fair—but that’s all right. Consider the alternatives. You can stay in a deadlocked relationship if you choose, but then each partner loses the potential benefits that can come from a healthier and more supportive commitment. Or you can let the relationship dissolve completely. This may be a viable option if the situation is intolerable, abusive, or completely mismatched. However, if there is a chance that the relationship can work, it is worth trying different approaches, which have not been considered in the past. After all, ending a relationship before considering alternatives may represent an absence of fairness and a potential source of regret in the future.

When considering the idea of fairness, remember that many things in life are not fair. Illness, financial setbacks, and grievous losses come to the best of people. Even if there were complete equality between you and your partner, there is no assurance that the problems in your relationship would be solved. Part of the human condition is to persist even when circumstances are not ideal.

Your partner may lack the ability to provide equal input into solving the problems of your relationship. This is something worthy of acceptance. It is not ideal, but it is reality. Sometimes the strength and courage of one person is needed to compensate for the shortcomings of another.

The real test of fairness is to question whether you are creating the best life you can. In any relationship, we need to provide a balance, not necessarily between the two partners, but on the dimension of balancing your own needs against the needs of the relationship. The source of your happiness lies within and is derived from your physical, emotional, mental and spiritual strengths. Working on these factors within yourself puts you into a firm position to attend to the demands of your relationship.

A relationship requires flexibility, effective communication, some hard work, and a lot of good will. When we feel complete within, we are in a strong position to create the conditions, which can lead to a healthy and thriving relationship. Perhaps there is some truth in the old saying that it is only when we love ourselves that we can truly love another.

Sure, everybody feels sad or blue now and then. But if you’re sad most of the time, and it’s giving you problems with:

• your grades or attendance at school
• your relationships with your family and friends
• alcohol, drugs, or sex
• controlling your behavior in other ways

the problem may be DEPRESSION.

The good news is that you can get treatment and feel better soon. Approximately 4% of adolescents get seriously depressed each year. Clinical depression is a serious illness that can affect anybody, including teenagers. It can affect your thoughts, feelings, behavior, and overall health.

Most people with depression can be helped with treatment. But a majority of depressed people never get the help they need. And, when depression isn’t treated, it can get worse, last longer, and prevent you from getting the most out of this important time in your life.

So….Listen Up:

Here’s how to tell if you or a friend might be depressed.

First, there are two kinds of depressive illness: the sad kind, called major depression, and manic-depression or bipolar disorder, when feeling down and depressed alternates with being speeded-up and sometimes reckless.

You should get evaluated by a professional if you’ve had five or more of the following symptoms for more than two weeks or if any of these symptoms cause such a big change that you can’t keep up your usual routine…..

When You’re Depressed…

• You feel sad or cry a lot and it doesn’t go away.
• You feel guilty for no reason; you feel like you’re no good; you’ve lost your confidence.
• Life seems meaningless or like nothing good is ever going to happen again. You have a negative attitude a lot of the time, or it seems like you have no feelings.
• You don’t feel like doing a lot of the things you used to like – like music, sports, being with friends, going out – and you want to be left alone most of the time.
• It’s hard to make up your mind. You forget lots of things, and it’s hard to concentrate.
• You get irritated often. Little things make you lose your temper; you over-react.
• Your sleep pattern changes; you start sleeping a lot more or you have trouble falling asleep at night. Or you wake up really early most mornings and can’t get back to sleep.
• Your eating pattern changes; you’ve lost your appetite or you eat a lot more.
• You feel restless and tired most of the time.
• You think about death, or feel like you’re dying, or have thoughts about committing suicide.

When You’re Manic…

• You feel high as a kite…like you’re “on top of the world.”
• You get unreal ideas about the great things you can do…things that you really can’t do.
• Thoughts go racing through your head, you jump from one subject to another, and you talk a lot.
• You’re a non-stop party, constantly running around.
• You do too many wild or risky things: with driving, with spending money, with sex, etc.
• You’re so “up” that you don’t need much sleep.
• You’re rebellious or irritable and can’t get along at home or school, or with your friends.

Talk to Someone

• If you are concerned about depression in yourself or a friend, TALK TO SOMEONE about it. There are people who can help you get treatment:
• a professional at a mental health center or Mental Health Association
• a trusted family member
• your family doctor
• your clergy
• a school counselor or nurse
• a social worker
• a responsible adult

Or, if you don’t know where to turn, the telephone directory or information operator should have phone numbers for a local hotline or mental health services or referrals.

Depression can affect people of any age, race, ethnic or economic group.

Let’s Get Serious Here

Having depression doesn’t mean that a person is weak, or a failure, or isn’t really trying…it means they need treatment.

Most people with depression can be helped with psychotherapy, medicine, or both together.

Short-term psychotherapy, means talking about feelings with a trained professional who can help you change the relationships, thoughts, or behaviors that contribute to depression.

Medication has been developed that effectively treats depression that is severe or disabling. Antidepressant medications are not “uppers” and are not addictive. Sometimes, several types may have to be tried before you and your doctor find the one that works best.

Treatment can help most depressed people start to feel better in just a few weeks.

So remember, when your problems seem too big and you’re feeling low for too long, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. There’s help out there and you can ask for help. And if you know someone who you think is depressed, you can help: Listen and encourage your friend to ask a parent or responsible adult about treatment. If your friend doesn’t ask for help soon, talk to an adult you trust and respect — especially if your friend mentions suicide.

What You Need to Know About Suicide…

Most people who are depressed do not commit suicide. But depression increases the risk for suicide or suicide attempts. It is not true that people who talk about suicide do not attempt it. Suicidal thoughts, remarks, or attempts are ALWAYS SERIOUS…if any of these happen to you or a friend, you must tell a responsible adult IMMEDIATELY…it’s better to be safe than sorry….

Why Do People Get Depressed?

Sometimes people get seriously depressed after something like a divorce in the family, major financial problems, someone you love dying, a messed up home life, or breaking up with a boyfriend or girlfriend.

Other times – like with other illnesses – depression just happens. Often teenagers react to the pain of depression by getting into trouble: trouble with alcohol, drugs, or sex; trouble with school or bad grades; problems with family or friends. This is another reason why it’s important to get treatment for depression before it leads to other trouble.

Depression and Alcohol and Other Drugs

A lot of depressed people, especially teenagers, also have problems with alcohol or other drugs. (Alcohol is a drug, too.) Sometimes the depression comes first and people try drugs as a way to escape it. (In the long run, drugs or alcohol just make things worse!) Other times, the alcohol or other drug use comes first, and depression is caused by:

• the drug itself, or
• withdrawal from it, or
• the problems that substance use causes.

And sometimes you can’t tell which came first…the important point is that when you have both of these problems, the sooner you get treatment, the better. Either problem can make the other worse and lead to bigger trouble, like addiction or flunking school. You need to be honest about both problems — first with yourself and then with someone who can help you get into treatment…it’s the only way to really get better and stay better.

Depression is a real medical illness and it’s treatable.

Be Able to Tell Fact From Fiction

Myths about depression often prevent people from doing the right thing. Some common myths are:

Myth: It’s normal for teenagers to be moody; teens dont suffer from real depression.
FACT: Depression is more than just being moody, and it can affect people at any age, including teenagers.

Myth: Telling an adult that a friend might be depressed is betraying a trust. If someone wants help, he or she will get it.
FACT: Depression, which saps energy and self-esteem, interferes with a person’s ability or wish to get help. It is an act of true friendship to share your concerns with an adult who can help.

Myth: Talking about depression only makes it worse.
FACT: Talking through feelings with a good friend is often a helpful first step. Friendship, concern, and support can provide the encouragement to talk to a parent or other trusted adult about getting evaluated for depression.

Source: The National Institute of Mental Health

Everybody talks about self-esteem, but what does it really mean? Self-esteem is defined as how you view yourself and the value you give yourself in the world. Many things influence how we see ourselves, including our family and friends, our abilities, our physical appearance, our belief system, and our living situation. We can think highly of ourselves or poorly, and our relative disposition can affect every thing that we do. Someone with low self-esteem may always be worried about what others will think, and therefore, will influence the choices that they make. On the other hand, someone with a lot of self-confidence will be more likely to take chances and achieve more personally and professionally.

Nurture Your Self-Esteem

If you are feeling bad about yourself, here are some suggestions to bolster your self-esteem.

• Listen to your own thoughts. Do you put yourself down or call yourself names? If so, stop the negative self-talk and, instead, try thinking and saying positive affirmations.
• Practice clear communication. Say what you mean, even if others might disagree. But remember to respect others opinions as well.
• Don’t beat yourself up for making a mistake. We’re all fallible. Once you realize you’ve made a mistake, make amends, and then move on.
• Make a list of all your accomplishments, no matter how small they may seem to you. Write them down and read them aloud to yourself. If you need help with this, ask your closest friends or family members what they like about you.
• Surround yourself with supportive and upbeat people. Positive relationships will reflect and reinforce your own positive self-image. Stay away from people who constantly criticize others.
• Be good to yourself get enough rest, recreation, and quiet time. This will allow you to stay energized and put your best foot forward when you need to.
• Set short-term and long-term goals for yourself at work and at home. Working towards achieving a goal will give you purpose, and help you feel proud once you’ve achieved the end result.
• Accept new challenges. This could include volunteering to help with the company’s holiday party, running a marathon, or opening up to your significant other about your true feelings. Risk-taking sometimes helps you to work through fears and self-limitations.
• Don’t neglect yourself physically. When you are eating healthy and working out, you are bound to feel better about yourself. If you don’t like the way you look, work on changing it through diet and exercise.

Remember, don’t sell yourself short. We all have positive attributes and something to give back to society. Work on finding what your life purpose is and striving to achieve it.