What can a couple do to ensure that their marriage has every opportunity to succeed? Here are some suggested behaviors and attitudes that may contribute to that success.

• Only when you feel good about yourself and feel strong inside can you be caring and nurturing toward your partner. Take care of yourself, be kind to yourself, fulfill yourself and keep your self-esteem high.

• Remember that you are always responsible for yourself. Your partner is never responsible for your happiness, self-worth or well-being.

• Be willing to risk exposing your innermost self. The more you let your partner know you and feel accepted for who you are, the more deeply loved you will feel.

• Let the other know your needs. Don’t assume your partner is a mind-reader.

• Realize that your partner may at times reject you for expressing your feelings, but unless you’re willing to take that risk, you will not establish intimacy.

• Never air your difference or put your partner down in public, no matter how angry you may be.

• Deal with conflict when it occurs. Otherwise, all the small irritants will build into one gigantic eruption.

• It’s better to reward and reinforce a partner’s good behavior than it is to criticize him or her for bad behavior.

• Be willing to forgive. Holding on to angry feelings don’t make people feel very loving.

• Play, laugh and have fun.

• Remember that sex is only part of marriage. The fires of passion will at times go out, but they can be rekindled. When a person feels truly loved, sexual re-responsiveness flows more easily.

• Keep the channels of communication open. Intimacy cannot be achieved until both partners are willing to be open and honest.

• Remember that trust is the basic link that holds you together.

• Try to be alert to clues that indicate your partner needs support or help even though he or she hasn’t asked.

• Don’t be reluctant to seek outside help if necessary. Sometimes a professional, objective third person can help clear up issues that seem unresolvable.

• Don’t allow children to damage your relationship. Children are demanding. Marriage should remain the priority even when there are children. The best thing any parent can do to raise healthy loving children is to be a good role model.

• Accept each other as you are and for what you are. You married each other because you liked what you saw, inside and outside. Think about that when you find yourself trying to change your partner to fit a different or new mold.

• A good marriage needs a balance of separateness and togetherness. Allow each other room to breathe – to have privacy and quiet time. Possessiveness has no place in a health marriage.

• Try to do some activity together at lease once a week. Plan to do something you both enjoy on a regular basis. It adds fun to your lives while also allowing you to be close.

• Be spontaneous. Marriages that are structured and rigid can become boring and dull. Don’t do the same things in the same way every day. Vary routines a little.

• Always consider your partner’s needs. Partners shouldn’t have to sacrifice their personal desires or needs for each other, but they should always consider what kind of impact meeting their own needs will have on the other person. Be responsible for your actions.

• Try to create an atmosphere in which each partner feels free to be open and confrontive if necessary without the fear of being attacked, punished or lectured.

• Show affection openly and often.

• Say, “I love you” out loud to your partner. It’s true that actions speak louder than words, but we still like to hear the words

How Do You See Yourself?

Your self-esteem is determined by how you view yourself and the value you place on yourself. If you’re proud of your accomplishments, value your intelligence, and believe in your own actions, you have a good sense of self-esteem. However, if you’re not happy with aspects of yourself and want to feel better, here are some ways to help raise your self-esteem.

Listen to Yourself

We all have an internal voice that carries on a mental dialogue throughout the day. What are you saying to yourself? Do you treat yourself with respect or does your internal voice put you down or call you names?Practice listening to the things you say mentally about yourself and replace any negative thoughts with positive comments. This is an important first step toward a more positive self-image.

Value Your Accomplishments

You may not be famous or a prizewinner, but your accomplishments have value to you or others. Make a list of them, no matter how small they might seem. By recognizing them, you can begin to value yourself and understand that you are important and worthy.

Say What You Mean

You may already respect what other people have to say, but you also have a right to be heard. Learn to be assertive. Say what you mean and practice clear communication.

Spend Time with Good Friends

People you surround yourself with are often mirrors of how you feel about yourself. Don’t socialize with people who put you down. Choose your friends wisely. Spend time with the people who respect and value you and listen to what they say about you.

Nobody’s Perfect

Don’t be hard on yourself. Aim for accomplishment rather than perfection. Don’t assume that others are critical of you and try not to criticize yourself or others. Be tolerant and recognize that mistakes are common and normal. Don’t dwell on them.

How You Can Boost Your Attitude

Understanding the voices in your head can have positive results if you know how to listen. Most people carry on a steady mental dialogue throughout the day. This is called self-talk, and your thoughts and actions are directly affected by it. While negative thoughts can lead to stress and poor outcomes, positive thoughts can keep your outlook upbeat and help you to be successful.

Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

Self-talk is very much like a self-fulfilling prophecy. A self-fulfilling prophecy happens when you think about an outcome in a certain way so much that you actually make it occur (or not). Often your self-talk reflects your upbringing and the self-esteem you have as an adult. When your self-talk is positive, “I know I can do the job,” you are encouraging yourself to succeed and, chances are, you will. When your self-talk is negative, “I’m not smart enough to be a supervisor,” you’re giving up on yourself and chances are, you won’t even try.

Best Friend or Worst Enemy

You can be your own best friend or worst enemy, depending on your self-talk. If you think you can get the job, you will be more likely to apply and show confidence in yourself, giving you a chance at success. But if you say to yourself, I’ll never get hired for that job, you probably won’t apply, guaranteeing that you won’t get the position.

Effects on Body and Mind

Emotional distress can be created by self-talk that is negative. It can also influence you to behave in self-destructive ways (No one cares, so why shouldn’t I smoke?). Positive self-talk can have the opposite effect, leading to more success and happiness.

Change Your Responses

You can learn to rewrite your self-talk script. One good way is to use pencil and paper to note your automatic self-talk responses. List several things you would like to happen (buy a new car, try for that promotion). Then, close your eyes, listen to your reactions to each item, and write them down (I can probably get a loan, I’m not sure I can do the job). For the negative responses, write down a thought that is positive (I can learn that job with some extra effort). Practice positive self-talk and you will be more confident and optimistic.

Here is an easy way to do a self-check on how well you augment your child’s self-esteem:

• I respect my child just as I would an adult. I show respect by saying please and thank you and apologizing when I have been out of line.
• I am teaching my child valuable lessons such as communicating clearly, problem solving, conflict resolution, sharing and respect for herself and others.
• I honor my childs unique ability, temperament, and personality.
• I refrain from comparing my child to someone else, especially a sibling.
• I listen to my child and acknowledge her feelings.
• I make sure my child knows he is loved unconditionally.
• I am quick to compliment my child.
• I accept my child for who he is, not who I want him to be.
• I help my child set his own goals.
• I am clear and consistent about discipline. I use I statements to express my thoughts, feelings and disappointments, and I avoid you statements which shame, blame, label or ridicule my child.
• I trust my child to make good decisions.
• I don’t make promises I can’t keep.
• I am teaching my child right from wrong.
• I encourage my child to be independent, but I make sure I am available if needed.
• I encourage my child to pursue what she is good at and enjoys, not what I wish she enjoyed.
• I manage my time and take care of myself so that I have energy to share with my child.

Every individual sees the world in a different way. Each reacts to the world in different ways, too. And although everyone is unique, it’s been noted that those who have good mental health have very similar personality traits.

I’m Worthy

Although everyone likes a little praise now and again, people who truly value themselves and enjoy good self-esteem don’t need others to tell them they’re worthwhile.

Roll with the Punches

Most people feel trepidation when faced with a challenge. Successful people tend to be able to overcome their initial resistance and fear and handle the many challenges of life.

Admit Your Mistakes

Successful people can admit that they’re sometimes wrong and accept their mistakes as mistakes, not as moral failings.

Be Realistic

Setting goals is good, but a successful person also is realistic about what can be accomplished and redefines goals when they’ve been set too high.

Feelings

Instead of denying or quashing their feelings, a successful person acknowledges and experiences them, however irrational they may seem, without judging them as good or bad.

It’s Your Choice

Everyone makes excuses from time to time. However, successful people generally accept responsibility for their actions and refrain from blaming others.

Help!

Sometimes its difficult to admit we don’t have all the answers. Successful people ask for the help they need.

How you see yourself as a person forms your self-esteem and affects the choices you make in life. Although the opinions of your family and friends, your appearance, your abilities and talents all influence your self-esteem, you can do more than anyone to support yourself and your view of yourself. To become your own best friend try to:

• Not dwell on past mistakes–just recognize them, correct them, and move on without blaming yourself
• Associate with people who are supportive of you and avoid those who constantly put you down
• Work towards a healthy lifestyle by exercising and making healthy food choices
• Accept new challenges by becoming more of a risk-taker, allowing yourself to work through anxieties and self-imposed limitations
• Listen to your own thoughts and cut out any negative self-talk; concentrate on giving yourself positive affirmations
• Recognize your talents and accomplishments and allow yourself to feel proud of them
• Express your views, but respect other opinions also
• Allow yourself rest, recreation, and quiet time and know that you deserve it
• Set reasonable goals for yourself and congratulate yourself when you achieve them

By becoming your own ardent advocate, your increased self-esteem will be evident to all!

Review the personnel file for each employee affected by the layoff. Determine if any of these employees has a history of violence, outbursts, etc. If so, plan to have on-site security on notification day.

Fully understand the companys reasons for the downsizing and how these particular employees were chosen.

Review your anticipated feelings. Talk with others about your feelings regarding the layoffs and of being a notifier. This can help you to establish some level of comfort with this difficult task. Don’t avoid your own feelings as this can lead to coming across as cold and insensitive in the meeting.

Recognize that it is neither your fault nor the employees fault that he is being laid off.

Plan your meeting. Organize your thoughts and outline the major points. The more prepared you are, the more effective the meeting will be. Rehearse your response to various questions or reactions. Have the telephone numbers available for key resources such as security, human resources, EAP, occupational health, etc.

The Notification Meeting

Establish the tone of the meeting and stay focused. The goal of this meeting is to break the news while allowing the employee to maintain self-esteem.

Speak deliberately and calmly, allowing pauses for the employee to interject his reaction. Listen to and acknowledge the employees feelings. Be direct but empathetic. Show concern while remaining professional.

Explain the rationale by which employees were selected in a simple, direct manner. Stay calm and do not become defensive. Don’t engage in an argument over the correctness of the decision.

Expect disbelief, anger, shock and tears. Don’t try to change these feelings for the employee during this meeting. Efforts at this may only serve to escalate the frustration level. Acknowledge the employees feelings and be sympathetic to his situation.

Watch the employees body language to see if she is listening.Is there eye contact? Does she seem agitated? If you do not feel that the employee has comprehended the central message, repeat it.

Provide the facts about the benefits that will be available for the employee such as severance, medical benefits, outplacement, and EAP support services. Provide all of this information in written form, as the employee may not be able to absorb it at this time. The employee will need to review the materials over the next several days.

Employees who ask reality-based questions about the available services and about their benefits are showing signs of acceptance. Employees who do not do this may be in the denial phase and may be more likely to react with anger and/or violence. Take note of each persons reactions during the notification meeting and during any subsequent contacts.

Focus on the positive aspects of the employees future. Encourage use of the available services that have been provided by the company.

If appropriate, close the notification meeting with an offer to have the out-placement and/or EAP contact the employee at home. Be sure to notify these services if they need to make this call to the employee.

After a Downsizing

Whenever possible, employees should have advance notice of the impending downsizing, the rationale, the timing and the process by which decision-making would occur. Provide opportunities for communication by scheduling meetings with small or large groups, allowing time to answer questions. Too little information will encourage rumors, which often produce more anger and frustration.

Have follow-up meetings with employees after the layoffs have been announced restating the rationale for the downsizing. Managers need to be available to their employees during this time to show support and curtail rumors. There may be a tendency to want to avoid victims during this period but avoiding staff can make them feel more isolated and rejected.

Reach out to higher performers. This employee group can be at the greatest risk of leaving the organization following a downsizing. If possible, involve them in the changes and acknowledge their importance. These employees can have a positive influence on more vulnerable workers.

Prepare employees for the recovery period after any significant change in workforce. Make it clear that you understand there will be a period of adjustment and that you will be there for support.

Often after layoffs, workers may need to be reassigned or entire departments may be reorganized. Allow time for the remaining employees to vent their feelings while keeping focused on moving forward.

The remaining employees will react to how the downsizing was handled and if they feel the company was fair and compassionate to their former coworkers. If the process was perceived as being fair, then old tensions can be overcome and new connections to the organization can be formed. If the downsizing is not handled effectively, the remaining employees may become divisive and resentful, creating an atmosphere of hostility.

Do not promise that downsizing will never happen again. This can generate suspicion and mistrust.

Individual managers cannot provide the entire resolution to the feelings and issues created by downsizing. By showing concern yet remaining professional, you can help rebuild trust and promote teamwork with the remaining employees. How the company handles a downsizing becomes a powerful message about how much they value its workforce.