End-of-the-year holidays can be stressful for anyone, but particularly so for blended families. With creativity, flexibility, and timely communication, families can have enjoyable holidays. These tips should help:

• Be realistic and flexible. Allow the children to have adequate time with each parent and extended family. Make adjustments and expand the holiday period if necessary.

• Discuss the visitation schedule well in advance and involve the children in the planning. Let them know at whose home they will be sleeping and which family members they are likely to see.

• Try to simplify obligations on both sides of the family. Children who are overscheduled and bounced from place to place will have increased stress.

• Feel free to establish new traditions. Your new family is different and should have its own traditions. Involve the children in developing fresh holiday rituals.

• Treat all the children equally; don’t overspend for biological children and underspend for stepchildren. Remind other gift-givers that children’s feelings are easily hurt if biological children/grandchildren receive gifts more generous than stepchildren.

• Request that the children make a wish list for gifts which parents can share with others. Communicate practical information on sizes, color preferences, and activities enjoyed.

• Recognize that “good enough may have to do.” You may not be able to visit with every relative, cook gourmet meals, or afford to buy exactly what each child wants. It’s more important to allow your family to enjoy the activities you are able to do together and do it in a relaxed manner.

When a parent decides to remarry, it can be a difficult transition for the children, especially if the newlywed is the custodial mom or dad. Children will often feel jealous and insecure in the new family arrangement. It’s important to take things slowly and make sure the new roles and responsibilities of all family members are clearly spelled out.

Form Friendships First

Stepparents should not try to become instant moms or dads to their stepchildren. Friendship and mutual respect should be the primary goal of the relationship. If the other parent is out of the picture completely, the child may decide in time to view and treat the stepparent as mom or dad.

Communicate Roles

It can become confusing for a child to suddenly have two moms or two dads. Make sure your child knows the roles both their biological parent and stepparent will play. A stepparent should never try to replace the real dad or mom.

Be Sympathetic

It’s important to understand the feelings children may experience when their parents remarry. Children may act out because they feel jealous of the new adult in their lives. They may also feel that their role in the family is now threatened. In other children, a remarriage may crush their hopes that the biological parents will eventually get back together.

Focus On the Positive

Children will often dwell on the fact that their family is different from their friends families. However, make it clear that every family is unique and emphasize the positive aspects of your blended family. A stepparent may bring to the family new fun traditions or holiday rituals. A stepparent may also raise the family’s income, which will allow a higher standard of living.

Seek Help From the Professionals

Use age-appropriate books on divorce and remarriage to help children deal with their emotions. If necessary, have the family talk to a professional counselor or therapist who can help everyone adjust to the new dynamics of the blended family. Make sure the child isn’t singled out as having a problem the family needs to work together.

With the high number of divorces and remarriages in the United States, it’s increasingly common for children to live with a stepparent at some point in their childhood. To promote a healthy, happy family, it is crucial for adults to be sensitive to their childrens emotional needs and communicate clearly how each member will function within the family unit.

The growing number of stepfamilies in the United States has brought with it new challenges for both parents and children. The merging families often have different histories, beliefs and traditions. Children are not only dealing with the separation of their parents, but must also accept and understand the role of a stepparent. In addition, the newly wedded adults often don’t have time alone to adjust to one another. Despite all the inherent difficulties, stepfamilies can and do work if enough time and attention are paid to the following areas:

• Fostering new relationships between parents, stepparents, stepchildren, and stepsiblings
• Maintaining original parent-child relationships
• Acknowledging and mourning each others losses
• Developing new skills in making decisions as a family

To accomplish these actions, stepfamilies may need guidance and support from clergy, extended family members, and counselors. Professional help should be sought if any of the following situations develop:

• A child feels torn between two parents or two households.

• A child is very uncomfortable with any member of the original family or stepfamily.

• A child directs anger upon or openly resents a stepparent, parent or stepsibling.

• One of the parents suffers from great stress and is unable to cope with a childs’ needs.

• A stepparent or parent openly favors one of the children.

• Discipline is left to only the parent rather than involving both the parent and stepparent.

• Family members no longer enjoy normally pleasurable activities like going to school, working or being with friends.

Parents need to pay close attention to the actions of their children since often the children won’t or can’t talk about their feelings as a result of a changing family structure. A counselor can help the child learn to express his emotions and deal with his new family members. Most stepfamilies, given the necessary time and skills to work on developing their own traditions and relationships, can provide emotionally rich and lasting relationships as well as strong bonding with all involved.

The ideal family you may have once imagined can take on a dramatic twist if you or your partner has children from previous marriages. Blending two separate groups into one family unit may not go as smoothly as the experiences of the Brady Bunch. There will likely be conflicts about money and discipline practices, and jealousy will very likely result. To make the transition easier for everyone, you and your partner need to understand how children might feel in this type of situation.

Treat Children as Individuals

If you’re going to make the blended family work, you have to look at children as the individuals they are. Spending time with each child alone and getting to know him or her as an individual will gain you respect in return.

Take Loyalty into Consideration

Your stepchildren’s loyalty will be primarily to their parents. They might even feel that they’re being disloyal by liking you. Try not to speak negatively about either parent, even if what you’re saying is true. The children will hold it against you and it may shut down communication.

Start Fresh

Establishing the blended family as a new unit can be a little easier if you begin your new life together in new surroundings. By creating a new enviornment — either rearranging a current home, or even painting it in new colors — you can help everyone start off on equal footing. Be aware that while these approaches can work very well for younger children, older ones may react negatively.

Not in Front of the Kids

Practical matters can disguise emotional issues. Discuss parenting differences privately with your partner. Don’t argue in front of the children. If differences are unable to be resolved, talk with a neutral third party such as a family counselor.

Be Realistic

Anticipate that the transition to a new family will be difficult for children. Try not to expect too much from them, especially in the beginning.

• Be Realistic — Many times stepparents want to make the transition to mommy or daddy too quickly. Remember that the stepchildren may not now or ever view the stepparent as a legitimate parent. It’s best to try to establish a friendship based on mutual respect and appreciation. Also remember that the stepchildren may still be grieving from their parents divorce and may have a lot of anger and resentment. If you take it slowly, you have a better chance of forging a close relationship.
• Establish Rules Early On — Chances are the members of the newly formed family will come from homes with varying customs, expectations, and disciplinary styles. The adults need to discuss and agree upon how the family will function before the move-in date. Often times, its best for the biological parent to discipline his or her own children. Be cautious of favoring your own children over your stepchildren as this will create hostility and competition among the stepsiblings.
• Be Positive — There is no doubt that blended families have their inherent difficulties. But instead of dwelling on the challenges, why not emphasize the positive? One benefit is family members get to share their various customs and rituals. In addition, there is the opportunity to form lasting and loving relationships between stepparent and stepchild and between stepsiblings.

If conflicts emerge early on, it may be a good idea to get some professional family counseling. It’s important that every family member, including the children, get to express their feelings and have them acknowledged. While not every blended family will resemble the Brady Bunch, a new close knit, happy, healthy family is within reach.