How You Can Boost Your Attitude

Understanding the voices in your head can have positive results if you know how to listen. Most people carry on a steady mental dialogue throughout the day. This is called self-talk, and your thoughts and actions are directly affected by it. While negative thoughts can lead to stress and poor outcomes, positive thoughts can keep your outlook upbeat and help you to be successful.

Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

Self-talk is very much like a self-fulfilling prophecy. A self-fulfilling prophecy happens when you think about an outcome in a certain way so much that you actually make it occur (or not). Often your self-talk reflects your upbringing and the self-esteem you have as an adult. When your self-talk is positive, “I know I can do the job,” you are encouraging yourself to succeed and, chances are, you will. When your self-talk is negative, “I’m not smart enough to be a supervisor,” you’re giving up on yourself and chances are, you won’t even try.

Best Friend or Worst Enemy

You can be your own best friend or worst enemy, depending on your self-talk. If you think you can get the job, you will be more likely to apply and show confidence in yourself, giving you a chance at success. But if you say to yourself, I’ll never get hired for that job, you probably won’t apply, guaranteeing that you won’t get the position.

Effects on Body and Mind

Emotional distress can be created by self-talk that is negative. It can also influence you to behave in self-destructive ways (No one cares, so why shouldn’t I smoke?). Positive self-talk can have the opposite effect, leading to more success and happiness.

Change Your Responses

You can learn to rewrite your self-talk script. One good way is to use pencil and paper to note your automatic self-talk responses. List several things you would like to happen (buy a new car, try for that promotion). Then, close your eyes, listen to your reactions to each item, and write them down (I can probably get a loan, I’m not sure I can do the job). For the negative responses, write down a thought that is positive (I can learn that job with some extra effort). Practice positive self-talk and you will be more confident and optimistic.

Each individuals thought patterns work in different ways. Consider two employees, both of whom are reprimanded by their boss for not completing an assigned project by the deadline date. Employee One’s response was: “What does he think I am a slave? I can’t cope with these demands.” Employee Two’s response was completely different: “I messed up, and I feel bad about it. But I think I can figure out how this project got behind schedule so that it won’t happen again.”

What made the difference in the response from each employee, based on the same stimulus? Most of us think of our response as a direct result of an activating event outside of ourselves in this case, a criticism from the boss. It is essential to realize that our thoughts also play a major role in our response. The sequence begins with an activating event, such as the criticism, and ends with our behavior. In between are our thoughts about ourselves.

Most of the time our thoughts are hidden from others as well as ourselves. Take a moment to consider how your thoughts about yourself influence your behavior. If the influence appears to be negative, you can begin to change the way you think.

Each of us has an inner voice that controls our responses to various events. Learning to listen to your inner voice can give you insight into the way you respond. Many people who are burdened by stress have an inner feeling that they have no control over the events in their lives. Employee One found the boss’s reprimand stressful because she felt that she was inadequate to do the expected task. Employee Two saw the incident as something she could learn from and use to initiate change. The next time your stomach begins churning over work-related stress, stop to consider what role your own thoughts are playing.

Non-productive way of thinking:

• People take advantage of me.
• My supervisor doesn’t like me.
• I’m not smart enough.
• I’m not fast enough.

Productive way of thinking:

• I have the right to say no.
• My supervisor depends on me to do my job efficiently.
• I can learn new skills and techniques.
• Sometimes there’s more work than anyone can handle.

Changing from non-productive to productive views of yourself will do much to improve your responses to criticism and challenges.

Tips for Accepting Feedback Graciously:

* Listen without interrupting. Look directly at the person. If you hear something you don’t agree with, indicate, “That’s interesting,” but wait to discuss it. Breathing deeply may help keep you focused.

* Be willing to hear what is being said without suggesting your supervisor is to blame for the issues.

* Ask questions to clarify exactly what you did incorrectly, but don’t make excuses or dispute the statements at this time. If your supervisor says you have “a bad attitude” ask for specific examples.

* Recognize the courage it took your supervisor to give you the feedback. Thank him or her sincerely with words such as, “You have really given me something to think about” or “Thanks for taking the time to talk with me.”

* If asked, summarize your understanding of the issues and how your supervisor wants you to change your actions.

* If you feel emotionally able to discuss the issues calmly, state your thoughts in a non-accusatory manner. It may help to admit that, “It’s not easy to hear this criticism.” If you find some truth to the criticism, take ownership of your behavior. If you feel the criticism is unfair due to timing or expectations, indicate that, but avoid disputing the criticism itself. Ask for specific suggestions to change your behavior.

* If you feel the issues are especially volatile, or you feel unprepared to discuss the issues, ask if you can continue the discussion in a day or so. Write down all you remember of the feedback, using your supervisor’s exact words when possible. After a day or so, re-read your notes. Ignore any inflammatory phrases and focus on the basic message when you meet again. Ask what changes your supervisor recommends to improve your performance.

Your ability to accept and learn from negative feedback without becoming antagonistic will be critical to getting back into your supervisor’s good graces. Try to separate your performance on the job from your perception of yourself as a person. If you spend your time being defensive and not learning how you can change your boss’s perception, you are doing yourself a disservice. You want, instead, to be viewed as a responsible employee who is willing and able to modify your behavior to benefit the organization.